Wednesday, November 13, 2013

My confession..

I think I'm broken. There's no other word for what I think I am, who I am. Everytime something goes remotely right in my life I somehow manage to do something in another part to cancel it out and to remind myself that I'm not like everyone else - that I'm not meant for all the simple things everyone else takes for granted.

I was having a meaningful conversation with someone last night and was asked the usual questions about family, marriage etc. and I envied my companion who spoke with such confidence of the future while mine is just a big question mark. Sure, the idea of children sounds lovely but I don't know if I can physically have any without compromising their health as well as my own. The anti-psychotics that I'm on can cause severe birth defects so any pregnancy would have to be drug-free which in turn can/will trigger severe depressive and hypomanic episodes not to mention the higher chance for post-partum depression. There is also the possibility of passing on your chemical unbalance to your child. I think I read somewhere that the chances were 1/4. I couldn't live with myself if I were responsible for that, knowing what I've been through. Purposely inflicting that kind of pain? Unbearable. Then there's the added fears from a somewhat traumatic childhood where I was constantly in fear of my biological father coming and taking me away at any moment. He used to have people spy on us so he always had our current address and phone number even though it was unlisted. I have fleeting memories of clinging on to kindergarten teachers because he suddenly showed up trying to take me away. We used to live like spies. Barely visible. I couldn't wait till I grew up and could break free. Except it's still with me. I'd never want that for a child. Everyone thinks the person they have a child with or marry is The One but what when the facade cracks? Then what do you do, especially when you have children involved? Noticed I said "when" instead of "if"? That's a part of my problem: I'm always waiting for the piano to drop.

And forget about marriage. I honestly don't think there's someone out there for me. I know that sounds pessimistic and a scream for attention but I'm being utterly honest and humble. I've been in a few relationships and dated my fair share of men and the one thing that I can conclude is that I've never been on the same wavelenght with a single one. The ones I perhaps long for don't see me as anything other than sweet, and the ones I wouldn't touch with a hot rod, only want a quick lay. 

I have this friend to whom there's so much I want to say but it seems he's already said it all. My words have no space in our friendship. Although I do want to apologize for stepping over his boundaries and I am terribly ashamed of my behavior. My stomach is in knots. Please forgive me.

All this leaves me to wonder though: What am I even here for? Is there a point to all of this? Would I be better off by not being? Those are some of the dangerous thoughts that plague me at night..

- P. <3

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