Back on the wagon!

The dating wagon that is. 

I promised myself that after I'd gotten a stable and promising job (and I felt balanced within myself) I would begin to date again. And as I've been speaking to a lot of my friends lately I've felt very encouraged to get back out there again. The mistake of the past few weeks was just that - a mistake. We all make them. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. All we can do is learn from them and move on. Some learn faster than others. I'm over it and ready to start anew but this time I plan on taking things very slowly and not rush into things. My mistake a few weeks ago was trusting someone because they weren't a stranger. Turns out strangers aren't the only ones who keep candy. 

Funny thing is, I'm actually not looking for a relationship or a casual fling. I guess I'm just looking for some companionship (Jesus, that makes me sound so old..) I just want someone to hold my hand once in a while or give me a hug or put their arms around me on the couch. Someone to warm me on a cold night. 

The difficult part is of course weeding out the good apples from the bad. I'd like to think I'm a good judge of character but once you're in deep it can be hard to see beyond your own wants and wishes. 

So here goes nothing and I'm out there for all to see. Luckily there a "block" button for the creepy ones and the like. 

Oh, there's a message now. Better go check my inbox. Wish me luck. 

P.

..Part 2

I'm one of those people who has to talk something out (or write something down) if something is on my mind, otherwise it'll just keep festering until I go stir-crazy. To me writing is a release and whether or not my thoughts are actually read by anyone (although much appreciated) can't compare to the gratification I get by putting pen on paper. Some people excersise, cook, shop, drink etc. - I write. This works for me. 

When I was a child I used to write my mom notes instead of telling her how I felt face to face. I guess a sad part of that is that we to this day can only manage to tell eachother we love one another in emails or by messages. We've never had much of a relationship with hearts and kisses but I know the love is there so that's all that matters. But I digress..

Back to the confession. This is probably going to be one of the most selfish post I've ever written. Perhaps I can blame it on my current feverish state or that I simply just need to vent. Either way please excuse me if I start to sound like a broken record you've heard a few times before.

And if you're reading this, here's everything I wanted to say the other day but didn't: 

I can't be your friend, I don't want to be. I can't pretend I'm not attracted to you when I see you. Sure, I can hide it. I'm good at that but please don't expect us to be friends and chat like normal when we meet. I honestly don't understand why you started all of this if you knew you didn't want more - and I'm not even referring to a relationship or dirty sex. And yes, you're a man and have urges. I get that. Don't we all? You keep hiding behind all the reasons why it can't be while you tell me the "what if's" - You've told me so many times it's started to hurt. I don't know who you're trying to convince. I'd rather hear it was nothing but a game and a bit of fun. Then I could call you an asshole and move right along. I can handle ugliness but not kindness. Makes me confused. I've deleted your texts, pictures and your number so you don't have to worry about me pursuing you. I already told you I respect your wishes. I just wish you'd thought this one through before all this confusion and..I don't know what... But I'll get over it. And perhaps you should try and seduce K next time you feel the need arises. I'm sure she'll make sure you never need a cold shower ever again - you'll probably need plenty of warm ones, haha (lighten up, I thought that was funny.) 

P.

My confession..

I think I'm broken. There's no other word for what I think I am, who I am. Everytime something goes remotely right in my life I somehow manage to do something in another part to cancel it out and to remind myself that I'm not like everyone else - that I'm not meant for all the simple things everyone else takes for granted.

I was having a meaningful conversation with someone last night and was asked the usual questions about family, marriage etc. and I envied my companion who spoke with such confidence of the future while mine is just a big question mark. Sure, the idea of children sounds lovely but I don't know if I can physically have any without compromising their health as well as my own. The anti-psychotics that I'm on can cause severe birth defects so any pregnancy would have to be drug-free which in turn can/will trigger severe depressive and hypomanic episodes not to mention the higher chance for post-partum depression. There is also the possibility of passing on your chemical unbalance to your child. I think I read somewhere that the chances were 1/4. I couldn't live with myself if I were responsible for that, knowing what I've been through. Purposely inflicting that kind of pain? Unbearable. Then there's the added fears from a somewhat traumatic childhood where I was constantly in fear of my biological father coming and taking me away at any moment. He used to have people spy on us so he always had our current address and phone number even though it was unlisted. I have fleeting memories of clinging on to kindergarten teachers because he suddenly showed up trying to take me away. We used to live like spies. Barely visible. I couldn't wait till I grew up and could break free. Except it's still with me. I'd never want that for a child. Everyone thinks the person they have a child with or marry is The One but what when the facade cracks? Then what do you do, especially when you have children involved? Noticed I said "when" instead of "if"? That's a part of my problem: I'm always waiting for the piano to drop.

And forget about marriage. I honestly don't think there's someone out there for me. I know that sounds pessimistic and a scream for attention but I'm being utterly honest and humble. I've been in a few relationships and dated my fair share of men and the one thing that I can conclude is that I've never been on the same wavelenght with a single one. The ones I perhaps long for don't see me as anything other than sweet, and the ones I wouldn't touch with a hot rod, only want a quick lay. 

I have this friend to whom there's so much I want to say but it seems he's already said it all. My words have no space in our friendship. Although I do want to apologize for stepping over his boundaries and I am terribly ashamed of my behavior. My stomach is in knots. Please forgive me.

All this leaves me to wonder though: What am I even here for? Is there a point to all of this? Would I be better off by not being? Those are some of the dangerous thoughts that plague me at night..

- P. <3