I'm one of those people who has to talk something out (or write something down) if something is on my mind, otherwise it'll just keep festering until I go stir-crazy. To me writing is a release and whether or not my thoughts are actually read by anyone (although much appreciated) can't compare to the gratification I get by putting pen on paper. Some people excersise, cook, shop, drink etc. - I write. This works for me.
When I was a child I used to write my mom notes instead of telling her how I felt face to face. I guess a sad part of that is that we to this day can only manage to tell eachother we love one another in emails or by messages. We've never had much of a relationship with hearts and kisses but I know the love is there so that's all that matters. But I digress..
Back to the confession. This is probably going to be one of the most selfish post I've ever written. Perhaps I can blame it on my current feverish state or that I simply just need to vent. Either way please excuse me if I start to sound like a broken record you've heard a few times before.
And if you're reading this, here's everything I wanted to say the other day but didn't:
I can't be your friend, I don't want to be. I can't pretend I'm not attracted to you when I see you. Sure, I can hide it. I'm good at that but please don't expect us to be friends and chat like normal when we meet. I honestly don't understand why you started all of this if you knew you didn't want more - and I'm not even referring to a relationship or dirty sex. And yes, you're a man and have urges. I get that. Don't we all? You keep hiding behind all the reasons why it can't be while you tell me the "what if's" - You've told me so many times it's started to hurt. I don't know who you're trying to convince. I'd rather hear it was nothing but a game and a bit of fun. Then I could call you an asshole and move right along. I can handle ugliness but not kindness. Makes me confused. I've deleted your texts, pictures and your number so you don't have to worry about me pursuing you. I already told you I respect your wishes. I just wish you'd thought this one through before all this confusion and..I don't know what... But I'll get over it. And perhaps you should try and seduce K next time you feel the need arises. I'm sure she'll make sure you never need a cold shower ever again - you'll probably need plenty of warm ones, haha (lighten up, I thought that was funny.)