The way my illness has burrowed its symptoms into my brain is that I can feel normal one day (and by normal I mean I feel that I have a bright future ahead and that everything is fine) and the next day I can feel like life isn't worth living anymore. It can then shift again the following day. Usually for me to get into a deep depressive state there's a gradual descent into the darkness. This can be anything from a few days to a week. And when I am in that dark place it can take me a very long time to get out of it. I am, however, a master of disguise and if you were to meet me on one of my dark days you wouldn't think anything different of me. I don't let the world know what's happening within me. Some people do and good for them. I don't. I can't. I'm terribly at explaining myself in person (it's easier to write my feelings down) so if I were to say something people would just probably think I was moaning or being a baby. The only person I can really be honest with is my GP because he's the source of my medication so I need to be - for both our sakes.
Another symptom that I have, which is noticeable if you really know me, is the hypomania. When the hypomania hits (and it doesn't fairly often anymore) then I'm like an OCD caffeine-doped robot obsessed with perfection. I'll also have severe insomnia and but my mood or effectiveness won't be affected.
After the hypomania is over though I'll crash into a depression which is usually deep. Thankfully, I don't become hypomanic that often anymore. The crashes are horrible to live through. It's like my body just goes into hibernation and I don't function anymore. And it's not like I'm cute as a bear cub either, more like I look like I belong at the local dive-bar with a shot of JD eternally being poured in front of me.. Oh joy.
As always, thank you for reading. I'll blog more soon.
- P <3