Sunday, August 25, 2013

What being Bipolar means in my case {and everyone's story is different}

The general population's idea of what it means to be Bipolar is of someone with extreme mood swings - someone going from happy-go-lucky to bitchy to depressed. That might be the case for a select few but if so then those traits were already a part of their personality to begin with. The illness has nothing to do with being mean to other people as I know it's so easy for people to throw out "Oh, she's just so Bipolar today" if someone they know is having an off day or PMS'ing. I've never in my life been purposely mean to anyone or been bitchy on purpose due to or (or excluding) my illness. I always try to treat people the way I'd want someone to treat me BUT unfortunately for my mom, if I am PMS'ing, she's the one who gets in the crossfire when I do get cranky. I'm by no means perfect. No excuses but she's my mom and she has no problem telling me my period is due soon either.. 

The way my illness has burrowed its symptoms into my brain is that I can feel normal one day (and by normal I mean I feel that I have a bright future ahead and that everything is fine) and the next day I can feel like life isn't worth living anymore. It can then shift again the following day. Usually for me to get into a deep depressive state there's a gradual descent into the darkness. This can be anything from a few days to a week. And when I am in that dark place it can take me a very long time to get out of it. I am, however, a master of disguise and if you were to meet me on one of my dark days you wouldn't think anything different of me. I don't let the world know what's happening within me. Some people do and good for them. I don't. I can't. I'm terribly at explaining myself in person (it's easier to write my feelings down) so if I were to say something people would just probably think I was moaning or being a baby. The only person I can really be honest with is my GP because he's the source of my medication so I need to be - for both our sakes.

Another symptom that I have, which is noticeable if you really know me, is the hypomania. When the hypomania hits (and it doesn't fairly often anymore) then I'm like an OCD caffeine-doped robot obsessed with perfection. I'll also have severe insomnia and but my mood or effectiveness won't be affected. 

After the hypomania is over though I'll crash into a depression which is usually deep. Thankfully, I don't become hypomanic that often anymore. The crashes are horrible to live through. It's like my body just goes into hibernation and I don't function anymore. And it's not like I'm cute as a bear cub either, more like I look like I belong at the local dive-bar with a shot of JD eternally being poured in front of me.. Oh joy.

As always, thank you for reading. I'll blog more soon.

- P <3 

No comments:

Post a Comment