Friday, August 23, 2013

The year I partied like a madman

Any journal of medicine regarding Bipolar disorder will tell you that people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder are more likely to have addictive personalities, abuse alcohol and drugs and be hyper sexual. The year before being diagnosed I had a year of excessive partying fuelled with alcohol, sex and an outrageous amount of money being spent. I spent my hard earned money like it was my last day on earth and I was happy to be alive. A lot of it was spent on the alcohol I was consuming while taking Sertraline, which by the way, was a terrible idea as my body still hadn't gotten used to the medication and so the alcohol stayed in my system for much longer than a person not on the medication. I can today safely enjoy a cocktail without getting drunk but back then just one drink would have me buzzed and ready to go. Along with being in college and the drinking culture that's prevalent there you can imagine how easily things got out of hand. Throw in a few bad seeds in my group of friends and you've got a recipe for a disaster. I've been on so many binges I can't count them and blacked out a few times. Almost got arrested once too for drunk and disorderly conduct.. Not something to be proud of. And the sex. I had my first kiss the same night I lost my virginity at 21. Yes, 21. Luckily it was with a friend of mine so it was a good experience and I have no regrets.

But imagine that 21 year old on medication, drunk, chemically unstable and at the wrong place at the wrong time. Needless to say my number is high but I've always been safe and never gotten any diseases. Nor have I been pregnant although I've had a few scares. Thank God my stupidity never reached a higher level. My point is, sex was never something I truly enjoyed. It was just a need mixed with reckless behavior caused by my illness. I could have sex without any feelings involved whatsoever. That's why one night stands suited me perfectly: no strings and no one got hurt. Hypersexuality is not something that is often spoken about. It's something dirty, something people tend to be ashamed of. I did too until I realized it was a part of the disease not a part of who I am as a person. My behavior has changed with medication, a change of scenery, different friends and better self confidence. 

Still to this day I struggle a bit with intimacy. Sex still doesn't mean much to me. Cuddling on the other hand does. I think that's far more intimate than taking my clothes off will ever be.

Thank you for reading. Will blog more soon.

- P <3 

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